Depression Diary Pages
Struggling to Succeed in the Legal Industry
My depression symptoms sting as I desperately hold that last shred of hope that I didn’t miss my chance at a legal career. “I hope she’s a fool, that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world” echoes through my mind, intertwining with the rest of my stressful thoughts. Having such high standards only led to none at all it seems.
I think I have a tattoo on my face that says, “Don’t pay her. She’s free.”
This isn’t how I pictured the end of my career. I never even got to picture the beginning. It never happened. Instead of practicing law, now I already practice excuses in my head to explain why I don’t practice law. Why I never really did. And the worst part, why I left even though I really didn’t want to, before I ever thought I would have to. I’ll explain that the legal industry shoved me out and slammed the door before I had a new career path. Not that I ever had a career path… or a career.
I never wanted to explore the possibility of leaving the law, but I don’t have any choice because I ran out of time and money without ever securing a (paying) job as an attorney. I’ve drained my bank account working 2 temporary jobs at almost 80 hours a week and every time I look at my bank account on payday, I have less money than I did the last one.
All anyone sees me as is a free attorney and someone who doesn’t deserve a paycheck, and I’ve let it go on for so long, I’ll never come back from it and manage to earn a salary that would ease some of my stress and maybe even include health insurance or any paid time off… or the privilege to work remotely without the degrading, humiliating requirement of constant video surveillance.
Anyone who thinks that I gave up after struggling to find work in a tough job market may never understand my truth. The legal industry kicked me out and I kept trying to sneak in. All my work, effort, and devotion to advocating for mental health in the legal field has left me crushed, alone on the sidelines crying as the successful attorneys take on the real tasks. Maybe I gave up, but not on the law. I gave up the catastrophic damage the legal field inflicted on my mental health. I gave up constantly crying; I gave up lying to myself; I gave up insisting that “one day” I’d make it; and I gave up wasting all my energy attempting to impress temporary employers who never planned to learn my name, pay me, or consider me for real roles.
From a real, RECENT interview: “Now that we see how much effort you put into your pro bono work, why would we pay you when you didn’t feel you deserved payment for your other legal work?” I guess my tragic interview flaw there was admitting to trying and caring about my work.
I created my own toxic work environment by manufacturing hope where none existed just so I would keep working hard for a reward I knew would never come. Ironically, my work never slipped. My performance didn’t stop me from spreading my message that mental health struggles don’t don’t prevent people from succeeding in the legal field. I’ve done some of my greatest work while suffering from depression.
My loud message got muffled when I busied myself begging for respect from people who had none to give me. My message got muted completely because depressed, failed, unemployed attorneys don’t make good role models. This is not what people picture when they think about becoming a lawyer. This is not what I pictured.
This is not what I pictured walking into the profession, at my swearing in ceremony, and it’s definitely not the picture I want to bring with me as I leave too soon, feeling somehow like even less of an attorney than I did that first day at the ceremony.
As I look over my shoulder back at the career that once held so much promise, I feel my grip loosen as that last shred of hope for a place in the legal field drops. I think about picking it up, but suddenly it weighs a ton. I hope another attorney can prove that depression doesn’t derail all chance at a successful legal career the way I couldn’t.
by: Alyson Pi
date: January 28, 2021