Know What Not to Say About Mental Illness
Stop talking about mental health unless you know how to do it right.
If you understand how difficult mental health events can be and choose to berate or guilt trip someone for their condition worsening, I have yet to hear an acceptable reason for that type of approach and invite you to please contact me and explain. I cannot fathom how anyone knowing the truth about the dark places mental health conditions can drag someone without their consent could also blame that person for the torture they’re forced to experience. However, if some tried and proven good reason for this behavior exists, I’m interested in hearing about it. Moving on.
Alternatively, if you are unsure how to speak with someone struggling with their mental health and want to make sure not to inadvertently make things worse despite your good intentions, this article contains some tips derived from personal experience and research. This article presents hypothetical situations to demonstrate the damage that can ensue when well-intentioned people inadvertently mishandle their attempts to help loved ones with their mental health.
Since the holidays tend to bring about mental health events and based on what I’ve witnessed, this particular year likely exacerbates that, let’s discuss those who may be struggling with their mental health during the holidays and the best way to talk to them and offer support. Sometimes the best way to demonstrate this includes going over words that no one struggling with mental health would ever want to hear.
Let’s say Christina is headed home for Christmas after not seeing her family for the entire year due to Covid-19. Christina also lost her job this year, has been obsessively looking for a new one and working part time for pennies in the meantime. Her unemployment claim somehow never resolved despite her applying back in March. Her depression has worsened but she has not wanted to burden her family with that information, and she finds they tend not to understand what she’s going through when she tries bringing it up anyway. Last time her father confronted her about her depression, he told her that she just needed to figure out a way to get through it with a better attitude and that everyone experiences depression and manages to deal with it. She’s anxious about reuniting with her family and feels ashamed with her inability to afford gifts for them this year.
First of all, in the above scenario, Christina probably felt terrible last time she spoke with her father, and it’s highly likely that he has no idea that he upset her, or if he knows he upset her, it’s doubtful he understands why. What Christina’s father may not have realized is that while everyone may have depressed moods from time to time, not everybody has diagnosed clinical depression, and no two people experience depression in the same way. His daughter can’t just find a way to deal with it; I bet she wishes that she could do that so easily. In this scenario, a father who loves his daughter and hates seeing her suffer, probably just made her feel worse when he truly meant to help her. She might feel that she’s failing her father and those around her. She probably feels guilty for having depression, meaning she feels guilty for being her.
Christina has had similar experiences when opening up to her mother in the past. Her mother has tried offering advice she believed would help. She’s implored Christina to focus on the positives in life and that obsessing over the negatives causes her problems. Her mom wishes Christina could just be happy and she has told her countless times that it breaks her heart seeing her so upset. Christina attempts to hold back tears during these conversations, but she feels so confronted. She feels like her parents are scolding her for existing because she cannot control her depression and make it go away for their convenience. She feels like a burden and a drain on her family. And now she has to go to their house on Christmas with her depression worse than it was during the aforementioned scenarios. She already worries she won’t maintain composure as everyone exchanges gifts they can all afford and discusses working remotely in the new world, while she feels like a failure who can’t find a job.
The day before Christmas Eve comes and nothing has changed for Christina; all her problems just feel worse. She’s laying in bed, her only comfort zone, and also the only place she feels she belongs. She doesn’t see the purpose in waking up anymore, or a purpose to her life. Nobody knows how dark of a place she’s reached and they probably never will. She’s supposed to have started getting ready hours ago; she can’t even drag herself out of bed to shower and brush her teeth. She woke up with tears streaming down her face. She texts her mom she’ll be late, inventing a migraine impeding her schedule. Really, she wishes she could just cancel.
She tells her mom she’s starting to get ready but she goes back to sleep instead. By the time she musters up the energy to get herself ready, she feels unbelievably exhausted, tired enough to sleep through the whole night. Just from getting up, getting out of bed, and getting ready. That’s just one example of how cumbersome depression gets at times, and most people experiencing these severe symptoms never can truly depict them to people who don’t have them themselves. She stares at herself in the mirror though she can’t stand her reflection, desperately practicing her fake smile. Her hair looks like sh*t, she thinks; she’s saved up money by not going to the salon all year. She thinks about how great everyone else will probably look in comparison. She feels the tears coming again but fights them; she’s got this smile down.
On Christmas she breaks down. She’s so disappointed in herself; she practiced for weeks pretending her life was intact, not falling apart into pieces on her floor. She thinks to herself, she could barely afford a broom to sweep her pathetic life away if she wanted. Her dad comes up and catches her crying in the mirror. He tells her he can’t believe she’s still being like this, and on Christmas! He begs her, for the sake of the family, just for ONE day, can’t she just keep it together? Grandma is on her way, she doesn’t need to be burdened with all of this drama. Christina apologize over and over, crying her eyes out and squeaking out that she can’t turn her depression off. She’s so sorry and she wishes it worked that way. She doesn’t want her depression to ruin Christmas.
Her father says that her behavior has the entire family stressed out. Now, instead of enjoying the holiday, they’re worrying about her. Christina wants to hide in the bedroom and pretend she’s not there, but everyone already knows she is. She knew she was going to ruin Christmas. She wishes she just stayed in bed. He asks her if she wants to make grandma sick; worrying about her will make her health even worse. “What did I do? Why are you crying more? I am just telling you that so many people love you and they’re all downstairs.” But that’s not what Christina heard him say. Christina heard him say she was ruining her family’s life and killing her grandma by merely existing as a person with depression. And her family just wanted to help her…
I hope these hypothetical conversations and situations help demonstrate the caution needed when handling mental health. Please treat your loved ones gently and be mindful that your words may make things worse if you don’t choose carefully.