Temporarily Tired

A few temp roles ago, my dad told a funny joke. Want to hear? “Just work hard and do your best. I bet they’ll hire you when they see your dedication. Next time, he said “maybe this one will be different.” It’s never different. I know this, so why does it still bother me?

I’m sick of only getting answers when the firms need something too. I’m sick of broaching the subject of helping them with the PILES of work they still have that I now am more equipped than most to do (because of how hard I’ve been working to teach myself and crush my projects), and the silence that comes with it.

I’m sick of answering 12 questions the partners had, going back and forth, then having EVERYONE disappear if I mention how much I’d love to help with the next part and how it sure would be great to know whether or not I even have work the next day more than a day in advance.

I’m tired of being good enough to work (remotely) in two different timezones and telling myself how “lucky I am” because at least for now I’ll get a few extra hours, before… BOOM! 

Zero hours, absolutely no prospects, no forward movement – in fact I’ve taken a few strides backwards, nothing new for the resume, no one reading the resume anyway… 

So I’m good enough to work around 90 hours per week, as long as I don’t try to do something silly like ask about work next Monday by mistake. No matter how hard I try not to take it personally, it IS personal when a company gets to know your work for almost half a year and would never even think of expanding my contract. And I cannot STAND that my goalpost has moved backwards from hoping someone will consider me for permanent employment to hoping someone will give me a few more days. 

Last year for the holidays my depression was worse than I could remember in a long time. All I wanted was to buy some nice things for my family without feeling guilty for frivolous spending with no real work on my radar. It felt like I’d been trying WAY too hard to find fulfilling, respectable work already. 

The way things were going, I thought MAYBE I’ll at least get my last paycheck when my husband’s family starts lighting the tree. But it’s looking like it’s going to be way sooner than I thought. There’s tons more work to do and I’ve been the one learning the ins and outs of this type of work every day… But nobody cares about that. 

That’s not interesting. 

That’s not relevant.

That doesn’t matter. I do not matter. Temps do not matter. And that’s what’s the matter with my mood and mindset right now. 

Instead of giving me more work, they’ll just hire another temp and hope for the best, or find someone who actually deserves a real job. 

Cue the negative self talk. I’ll be ok eventually, but this cycle wouldn’t be good for anyone’s mental health. But nobody cares about stuff like this unless it’s happening to them. 

I’m sharing this because I know how many people feel the same way or similar but will never feel comfortable speaking out. And those people deserve more and shouldn’t forget their value either, even when it’s REALLY easy to forget your value and feel like a loser. We’re not going to do that.

I may not know WHAT I’m doing next, but it will not be that.